Our Lady of Lourdes Church and School

Pope Francis, in his letter On Love in the Family, encourages the use of three simple but profound words in family life. At least two are staples of many homes and families, but the third, perhaps, could do with a little more attention. The essential words he refers to are “Please”, “Thanks you” and “Sorry”. He offers that we should “not be stingy about using these words…” He sees them as something of an antidote to occasional and familiar oppressive silences within the family: “For certain silences are oppressive, even at times within families, between husbands and wives, between parents and children, among siblings. The right words, spoken at the right time, daily protect and nurture love.”133 In this way, Pope Francis suggests, love in the family is made concrete and real in our lives. Our love is expressed both in words and in actions.

Such efforts to put words and actions on our love is important for its growth and nurturing throughout. Love in the family can never be taken for granted. It requires constant care and attention. If love doesn’t grow, it is placed at risk. “The gift of God’s love poured out upon the spouses is also a summons to constant growth in grace.” Such love as this requires help to grow, and a couple who understands this is better equipped to intentionally do what needs doing to make such growth happen in their lives.134 There is no such thing as a “perfect family”. Indeed, giving in to the temptation to believe such a thing can be a troubling challenge for couples. Often we are literally ‘sold’ things in our time, suggesting that if we own this thing, or if we buy that thing, that we will be bringing happiness or love into our homes. Experience can be a cruel teacher for families. “It is much healthier to be realistic about our limits, defects and imperfections, and to respond to the call to grow together, to bring love to maturity and to strengthen the union, come what may.”135

“Dialogue is essential for experiencing, expressing and fostering love in marriage and family life.” How true this is! People communicate in all sorts of different ways, sometimes with different languages. Men and women, adults and children, young people and older people, we all speak and act in different ways. True conversation with another requires us to be “ready to listen patiently and attentively to everything the other person wants to say.”137 This is no easy thing to do. It means that we must be very intentional and practice the art of attentive inner silence. It is this inner silence that allows us to listen to the other without the distractions of our own thoughts or ideas drowning out their words and ideas. It is inner silence that allows us to avoid rushing the other and to avoid being distracted by our own worries or concerns. It is inner silence that allows us to “develop the habit of giving real importance to the other person.” We put ourselves in their place. We peer into their hearts. We try to perceive their deepest concerns. We make the effort to ‘walk in their moccasins’. We keep an open mind and we avoid getting bogged down in our own individual ‘stuff’. We often find our own limited ideas and opinions being lifted up and being expanded or changed, even. We come to appreciate that “the combination of two different ways of thinking can lead to a synthesis that enriches both.”138